ElFie's Say: Enlisted at the Double Natural
by XxSparkyxX
Summary: PFC Eldridge Fletcher and his whatnots. dialect Hey, I was bored...what can I say?
1. Default Chapter

This is supposed to be in dialect. I don't really talk or spell like that. Tell me if you want to read more. Please review. 

By Cookie 

Oh, hi there. I'm Sgt. Eldridge Fletcher, but usually I go by Elfie, on account of I don't want that gettin' out. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's just not for me. 

I was stationed here at MASH 4077 about two months ago. And boy, does it seem like years. Ya see, what we do here is take care of wounded and get scared to death every time they start bombing us. By they, I mean the Communist Chinese and North Koreans. Whenever the shelling hits the camp, I think I'm a goner. But we get more cas'alties from the food here than anything. Now, I don't act'ally work on the unlucky fellas myself, 'cause I'm not edgicated for that. But we got us some fine surgeons here, and the hurt people couldn't be in no better hands. We got "Trapper John" McIntyre, my kind a' guy, and Benjamin Franklin Pierce, who goes by Hawkeye. Great guys, quite a pair. Even got a distillery in their tent! Their hobbies seem only t' be wimin an' lev'ty. Then there's Major Burns. The others call ol' Frank Ferret Face, for whatever reason I can't make out. He's, shall we say, not as skilled or talented as the other two guys. Not too smart either. He and the head nurse, a Major Margaret Houlihan, are having a "secret" affair that the whole dogged camp knows about. They're both very GI. 

Oh, and Henry. Good old Henry. Colonel Blake is a good surgeon and a good man. A little friendly with the bottle I must say, and not a take-charge kinda guy, but a good man nonetheless. 

Now, Radar's a curious little feller. 'Bout 5'4 and a little "uninformed". What's strange, though, is his "sy-kick-ness". The kid can see into yer head and hear the choppers a'comin' afore any regular person. Kinda scary if you ask me. Then there's Corporal Klinger here, says he's nuts and wears clothes like my mother-in-law. Looks like her too, but he's got better legs. 

No one else believes him, they say he's just tryin' to get out on a discharge, but I'm not so sure. Y'all should see all what he does. But maybe not. 

Those are the officers pretty much, 'ceptin' the nurses I don't know by name, an' Father Mulcahey, Catholic chaplain. I'm not Catholic, see, so I'm not knowin' him too good. 

As I wuz sayin', those are the off'cers here and the just plain interestin'. If'n it weren't fer these peoples, this toilet wood be intolerable. Adds a little spice to our dreary days, don't it? 

Well, I gotta git goin' 'cuz we are 'spectin' to git sum cas'alties in soon, and I'd better finish off my cigar first. Later! 


	2. 2

            I know Zale didn't appear until later, but he could have been there!

            _Please_ please review!

Whew, that was a big mess o' wounded! Can really tire a feller out. Along with ol' Zale's been kinda cranky at me lately, too. Idunno why, I didn't do nothin' to 'im.Yestiddy I wuz kinda in 'es way and a'whistlin' a tune, mindin' my own bizness when, real mean like he sez to me, he sez, "Elfie, move and shut yer mouth or I'll do it fer ya." 

Now, o' course I did, 'cause I'm not wantin' no trouble for him, but ah did some figgerin' an' came to a conclusion. See, He du'n't like Klinger, the crazy guy, an' they been on eachother's case ag'in lately. Now, Zale don't like it when people agree with Klinger, and in one pertic'lar time I did, an' that's about when it started.

Oh, and by the way, Klinger's up to 'es old tricks ag'in. I 'ad to talk him outta his first ideer of bein' a toilet an' spinning ever'were 'he went. I figgered 'ed get all dizzy an' crash. He said that was the point. Cause trouble. But I talked sum sense into 'im, luck'ly. Now he's tied upside down to the baskeetball pole bah 'is feet. Don't know how long it'll be this time. I'm kinda a'sceered f' him, y'know?

Yestiddy, bein' Easter an' all, we 'ad an egg hunt of our own. We 'id the extra stuff that got sent to us from the Supply people ('ceptin' a few things we couldn't), an' Father Mulcahy had t' orphans over.

Now, t'other day, 'Enry went t' Tokyo fer a meetin', an' Trap deecided t' 'ave a squer dance/drinkin' contest in the O-Club, an' half the people passed out cold on t'floor. Ev'rybody wuz trippin' ev'rywure. When ol' Major Burns sees this, he got all riled an' tried t' end it. Well, sumbody ended 'im first. Got knocked out wit a bottle, by I don't know who. That got Major Hotlips steamin' an' she goes t' call Cuhnel Blake. Hee hee, well turns out at that veery moment, good old Henry couldn't answer 'cuz 'e wuz snoozin--get this--frum the booze 'imself! Now if that don't beat all, I say. The Majors call him incompetent, ever'body else says he's tops. 'Cept Hawkeye, says "finest kind."

As actin' C.O., the Ferret Face is about as strict as y' cen be. He duhn't like t'e drinkin', gamblin', or, as the good Father calls it, "jocularities". We gotta get up fer revelee and sumtimes calisthhh...cal...oh, ah cain't say it...t' exercizin'. It's pure murder. None of us like it.

That there's the news, plus Ugly John won once in Poker--$4.00. He's 'appy. Stayed awaked t' whole time too. Also, Spearchucker's gone and left us now, an' no one's replacing him. And tomorrow sumthin's been planned fer the Ferret. Hee hee.

Weeell, Ahm gonna git goin', 'cause I need my beauty sleep. Hasn't done much good fer me yet, though. Bah now!


End file.
